Crazy for Condiments: A Necessary Feature


Jenna Madison, Staff Writer

What’s more important than politics, gender equality, and world peace? Condiments. Nope, read it again–that doesn’t say condoms. Although important, they still rank below the almighty condiment. A condiment is defined as a substance used to add flavor to food; try to tell me that’s not the most important thing in the world. I don’t know about you but I don’t eat to live. I live to eat. And a life without condiments is not a life worth living. Ketchup, mustard, hot sauce, guacamole, salsa, ranch, you name it–they’ve all got something special. How do people live their less than mediocre lives without the excitement of condiments?! This is one of many food related questions that keep me up at night, tossing, turning and fearing the good of humanity.

Some condiments that exist are so significant in my day-to-day life that I cannot comprehend how one is able to live without them: ranch, honey mustard, and ketchup–the holy trinity. Coming from a condiment connoisseur, I think that you lead a sad life if these luscious dips don’t dance upon your taste buds at least once a day. Now don’t get me wrong, some condiments are much more important than others. For example, Mustard? Bust. Honey Mustard? Must.  And I’m not the only one who finds condiments to be a hot topic. Brian Rodriguez believes, “…It’s a really nice luxury, and in most cases it’s a necessity. I cannot eat fries without ketchup, don’t even ask me to try. If people have a problem with condiments, then fine, let them be wrong and sad, but I don’t want to be part of them.” Brian’s right, those who are too stubborn to give condiments the chance they deserve are wrong. Take Jessica McNulty for example. “I hate condiments because I just never tried a lot of them.” Boom. That’s my point–one who has tried condiments would never be able to utter these words of disrespect. If you’re like Jess, give them a shot. They’ll change your life forever.

Based on research, salsa has passed ketchup as the United State’s number one condiment. How exciting! It baffles me as to why this didn’t receive more news coverage. Well, today’s their day, honey (mustard). Someone is finally giving them the recognition they deserve. I’m writing this to explain to you why condiments should be your number one priority in your everyday life. Some people see the light, and realize just how exquisite a ‘dip in the pool’ may be. “I love dipping! You can use a condiment with absolutely any food, so I don’t see why more people aren’t obsessed with them,” well-said by Allison Coleman. Try to name a food you can’t use a condiment with–Wrong. Dip it in ranch. What do kids use to make vegetables taste edible? Ranch. Ever see a kid eat a dinosaur chicken nugget without ketchup? Doubt it. What do you think makes kids so happy? Lack of responsibility? A stress free life? Nope! The key is condiments!

As stated, the job of a condiment is to add flavor to food, and sweetie, it’s time to give them a promotion. I promise condiments will give you an experience like no other–and honey, don’t even get me started on salad dressing.